Ok, handled the phone bill situation, now another problem.... What to get someone for their birthday. I'm usually great at this, but there's a problem. My only transportation is my feet, and it's STORMY outside... like rainey and the wind is Fierce. I can't exactly ask the person I'm shopping for to take me.

*sigh* someone want to pick me up?

Fuck this shit....I got off work early, cool, but I get a message saying I need to pay my phone bill, the stupid online thing rejected my payment (for the 2nd time) so my fucking bill is overdue... no problem right? I'll call them up and get it taken care of....

If life could only be so simple, last month my check card expired, so they sent me a new one, but this new one doesn't have the CVV2 # on the back (don't ask) so I call my bank, and after sitting on hold for about 20 minutes find out there's no way they can give me that #, but they can give me a new card (in 7-10 business days) oh shit, i just realized that they're going to send it to my parents house. FUCK... so anyway, called the phone company again, and I'm still on hold.

Somebody shoot me in the head.

I love the holidays, working for tips is great too! I use my "happy holidays" catch phrase (well, technically it's not mine, but I use it at key times) to get extra tips. I'm excited for my birthday this weekend too, it's my baby's birthday also... Happy birthday sweetie!

I also have next week off, not sure what I'm going to do yet but some relaxation is in order.

I hate myself.

That is all for today.

5 days left to go in the first quarter. First quarter of my life that is. I figure I'll live to be 100 so I'm planning a strategy for the second quarter.

26 just sounds really old, that's ok, I know what I'm going to do with my life. I know what I want.

You'd probably never guess what it is either...

I am not loved, don't know if i ever really was. How can you be so close to someone yet so far away? I guess when they lock up their heart there's no way in, sad thing is it's always been locked, even before I was in the picture. This is taxing on me, always has been, to love more than you are loved...the way all my relationships go. So now what? There's no middle ground, you can't force someone to love you, especially someone who doesn't want to try.

Go away it hurts to be near you
Hold me I need to be close to you

I'm torn

Disenchantment my only friend
you and i alone again
If tears could come
i'd welcome their release
Eyes desert dry
will see no peace.

Halfway between the gutter and the stars, and climbing every second. I only hope I have enough fuel to reach them. Someone want to give me a push?

Sadness creeps in again... Because I'm getting older? Or I just feel like a fuck up lately. I just don't feel very loved today. Relationships aren't supposed to feel like a constant game of catch-up. I don't want to feel left behind, I want to be up there on the front lines, in life and in love.

She could make that possible. If I don't fuck it up.

I'm done drinking, I give up, all it does is bring pain and hurt. Alcohol is a drug, don't ever let anyone tell you different. All it does is destroy.

I'm turning my life around, I going to pick up momentum, I figure If i live to be 100, the first quarter of my life is over. I need to stop being and start living. Hopefully I don't have to go at it alone, because of stupid mistakes I've made.... but i could if i had to.

I love you more than you know.